If you work in a caring profession, you spend a lot of your time thinking about other people.
Every day is colored by how you’re showing up for others: You notice when someone needs help; you try to be thoughtful about how your words land; you make room for other people's feelings, even when you're tired or have a lot on your plate. Maybe you're a teacher, nurse, therapist, social worker, nonprofit worker, or someone whose job involves showing up for other people in difficult circumstances.
And then Thanksgiving comes around.
You end your work Wednesday (or maybe even Thursday) and head to a family gathering, just to have to navigate another set of complex expectations. You’re hosting; you’re traveling; you’re dealing with problematic relatives you don’t particularly want to. And then the uncomfortable questions start. Or maybe an argument.
You’ve spent the past week caring for people and now you’re with family figuring our how to care for yourself. Or how to just survive.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone:
Setting boundaries with family can be especially difficult when you're someone who is used to caring for other people.
But caring about your family doesn't mean you have to be available for everything. You can want to spend time with people and still have limits. You can be generous without saying yes to every request. And you can set boundaries at Thanksgiving without giving up on the relationships that matter to you.
Here are a few ways to approach the holiday differently.
Why Setting Boundaries With Family Can Be So Hard
One of the reasons setting boundaries is difficult is they aren't just about deciding what we will or won't do. They're also about what we want and don’t want, how we communicate our lines in the sand, and how we feel when someone else responds to that decision.
Setting boundaries isn’t a skill; it’s five!
To set a boundary effectively, we have to:
Recognize our own desires and non-desires: Name for ourselves what we want and don’t want in a given moment.
Draw boundary lines for ourselves: Be real with ourselves about what we actually have the energy and resources to engage in, and where we need to draw the line for us.
Communicate those boundaries: With kindness and clarity, articulate these boundaries to others in a way that can be heard (and hopefully understood.)
Embrace a life-affirming story: Remind ourselves that setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary act of self-care. We can care about others without being endlessly available to them.
Hold our boundaries: When we receive pushback or questions from others, or when we hear those pesky “we should be doing more” stories in our heads, maintaining our commitment to the boundaries we’ve named.
For example, you might know you don't want to host Thanksgiving this year. You might even know you don't have the time or energy to make it happen.
But when someone asks, you hear yourself saying, "Sure, I can do that."
Maybe it’s because you don't want to disappoint your family. Maybe you worry that saying no will make you seem selfish or ungrateful. Maybe hosting has become your role in the family, and changing that expectation feels uncomfortable.
Or perhaps you're worried about what someone will think of you if you don't show up in the way they expect.
Thanksgiving – and family in general – can be a lot.
These feelings can be particularly familiar to people in caring professions. At work, you may be accustomed to noticing what needs to be done, anticipating other people's needs, and finding ways to make difficult situations a little easier.
Those can be valuable capacities. But they can also make it difficult to recognize when you're taking on more than you have available to give.
And family relationships bring their own history. The person asking you to do something might be someone you've known your entire life. You might have spent years playing a particular role in the family. Saying no to a request can feel like saying no to that entire history.
That's a lot of weight to put on one small decision.
The goal isn't to stop caring about what other people think or feel. It's to make room for your own needs and limits alongside theirs.
5 Ways to Set Boundaries at Thanksgiving
So how do we set and keep our boundaries at Thanksgiving?
Let’s return to our premise: Setting boundaries isn't one skill. It's a collection of five skills that work together.
You have to recognize what you want, decide what you're available for, communicate that to someone else, and find a way to hold your decision when it gets uncomfortable.
Here are five ways to practice those skills this Thanksgiving:
1. Recognize What You Actually Want (and Don't Want)
Before you can communicate a boundary, you have to recognize what it is for yourself.
That sounds simple, but it can be surprisingly difficult – it’s the internal pre-work we have the chance to do.
Try taking a moment to notice your own response before jumping into problem-solving. Or better yet, before you step into the family gathering, think about what you want from this event. What you want to experience, feel, and say. Who you want to connect with.
It's helpful to know what you're wanting (and not wanting) before you start getting asked questions, before you’re in front of folks, and before you’re in the deep end.
A boundary often starts with simply being honest with yourself.
2. Draw Your Boundary Lines
Once you have a better sense of what you want, consider what you actually have available to give.
This is especially important if you're someone who tends to take responsibility for other people's experiences.
You might have the desire to help your family put on a wonderful Thanksgiving. But do you have the time, energy, money, and capacity to make that happen?
Maybe you can bring a side dish but can't cook the entire meal. Maybe you can drive two hours to visit family but can't stay for the whole weekend. Maybe you can help clean up after dinner but don't have the energy to host overnight guests.
One of the mistakes we make when setting boundaries is assuming that if we can do something, we should.
But having the ability to help doesn't automatically mean you have the resources to do so.
And having the resources doesn't necessarily mean it's the best use of them.
This is particularly relevant for people who spend their working lives caring for others. By the time Thanksgiving arrives, you might have already given a lot of your time and energy to other people. It's reasonable to consider that when deciding what you're available for at home.
3. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly and Kindly
Once you've identified what you're available for, the next step is communicating it.
I rarely quote Brené Brown, but I’ll do it here: “Clear is kind.”
If you don't want to host: "I'd love to see everyone, but I'm not able to host Thanksgiving this year. Could someone else take it on?"
If you can't afford to travel: "I'd really like to see you, but traveling this year isn't going to work with our budget. Can we find another time to get together?"
If you need to leave early: "I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. I do need to head out around 4, so I won't be staying for dinner."
If you don't want to discuss a particular topic: "I'd rather not get into that today. I'd like to enjoy our time together."
Notice that these responses aren't unkind. They don't criticize the other person or suggest that their request is unreasonable.
And yet, they are very clear and they don’t hedge – they are your declaration of where you stand on the issue at hand. They communicate what you're available for.
You can be warm and direct at the same time!
4. Remember That Caring Doesn't Require Unlimited Availability
This is the part I struggle with the most: it requires me to remember why boundaries are important in the first place.
Because after communicating a boundary, it’s easy to second-guess or feel guilt in one way or another.
Should I be doing more?
Am I just being lazy?
Is this the right thing to do?
Especially if there’s pushback or you notice sadness or disappointment as a response to your boundary.
But take a moment and think about your work: you know that being a good teacher, nurse, therapist, or colleague doesn't mean being available every minute of every day. You have limits. You have other responsibilities. You need time to rest and attend to your own life.
Those same principles apply to your family relationships.
You can care about someone without agreeing to everything they ask of you.
5. Practice Holding Your Boundaries When People Push Back
Setting a boundary doesn't guarantee that someone else will respect it. Ugh.
Your family might ask you to reconsider. Someone might “poke a little” at your decision. A relative might remind you how much work they've done to organize the holiday. Or someone might simply keep asking, hoping you'll change your mind.
Hold the line!
You don't need to come up with a new explanation every time someone pushes back. In fact, repeatedly explaining yourself can sometimes turn a clear boundary into a negotiation.
Instead, return to clarity and kindness:
"I understand that you'd really like us to stay longer. We're still going to head home after dinner."
"I know it's disappointing that I can't host this year. I hope we can find another arrangement."
"I hear that you disagree. I'm not going to discuss that topic today."
“We disagree on this – that’s alright. Let’s move on.”
You might still feel uncomfortable saying these things. That's okay – it takes time and practice.
(Fun fact: I sometimes practice these kinds of statements in the mirror before heading into a family conflict zone.)
A Simple Way to Decide What You're Available for: Resources + Relationship
If you're still unsure where to draw the line, I find it helpful to consider two things: the resources you have available and the relationship you have with the person making the request.
Resources: Do I have energy for this? Do I have time for this? Do I have the skills for this?
Relationship: How close is this person to me? Does the request fit the level of closeness, trust, or responsibility we share?
Both matter.
For example, imagine your dad asks you to help him with something around the house while you're visiting for Thanksgiving.
You might have the skills and energy to help, but only for about 10 minutes. You can communicate that limit: "I can take a look at it, but I only have about 10 minutes before we need to leave."
Or imagine a relative asks you to get involved in a disagreement with another family member. You might care about both people, but you may not have the capacity or relationship with either person to take on that responsibility.
The filter helps you recognize that not every request deserves the same response.
You can have the resources to help someone and still decide not to. You can care about someone and still recognize that you're not the right person to meet a particular need.
And you can offer something smaller than what someone initially asks for.
This isn't about calculating whether someone deserves your help. It's about making thoughtful decisions that account for both your capacity and your relationships.
If you'd like to explore this idea further, I've written a more comprehensive article about how to set boundaries and decide when to say yes or no. It walks through the Resources + Relationship filter in more detail.
You Can Enjoy Thanksgiving and Still Have Boundaries
I don't think the goal of setting boundaries at Thanksgiving is to make the holiday perfectly comfortable.
For one: we all know some family gatherings are just going to be weird, complicated, annoying, awful, frustrating, terrible, chaos factories.
And two: the holiday is directly connected to the genocide of Indigenous Peoples. It shouldn’t be fully comfortable.
But we don't have to make ourselves endlessly available to others in order to demonstrate that we care for them.
We can bring a dish without hosting the whole meal. We can visit without staying all weekend. We can listen to someone's concerns without taking responsibility for solving them. We can love people and still choose not to participate in certain conversations.
We have agency. We can make decisions without treating our own needs as an inconvenience.
📬 Share this with your people:
