Do you find it hard to set and keep boundaries?
I certainly do – and when I actually make it happen, I tend to feel like I’m letting someone down or as if I’m not doing enough.
For example, when I set a boundary at work, I tend to feel like I’m being viewed as not a “team player.” Or when I set a boundary with my kids, I worry they’ll remember this and over time write a story about me “not being present enough.”
Neither of these stories are based in reality, but they certainly go through my mind.
And I don't think I'm alone in this. Many of us struggle to set boundaries because we worry about disappointing people, damaging relationships, or being seen as selfish. For people whose work or relationships revolve around caring for others, those worries can be incredibly difficult to navigate.
It can be easier to just…not set any boundaries at all.
So let’s dig deeper into why boundary-setting is so difficult – and why do these kinds of stories often come with it.
Here’s my take:
Boundary-setting is challenging because it’s actually five different skills.
To set a boundary effectively, we have to:
Recognize our own desires and non-desires: Name for ourselves what we want and don’t want in a given moment.
Draw boundary lines for ourselves: Be real with ourselves about what we actually have the energy and resources to engage in, and where we need to draw the line for us.
Communicate those boundaries: With kindness and clarity, articulate these boundaries to others in a way that can be heard (and hopefully understood.)
Embrace a life-affirming story: Remind ourselves that setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary act of self-care. We can care about others without being endlessly available to them.
Hold our boundaries: When we receive pushback or questions from others, or when we hear those pesky “we should be doing more” stories in our heads, maintaining our commitment to the boundaries we’ve named.
Notice that setting a boundary isn't just about communicating a decision to someone else. It starts with understanding ourselves, deciding what we're available for, and developing the capacity to hold that decision when it gets uncomfortable.
Each of these skills can be extremely difficult to cultivate, but for today, I’ll share one of my go-to practices for drawing our boundary lines.
How to Identify Your Boundaries: The Resources and Relationship Filter
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is knowing where to draw the line in the first place.
We might know we're overwhelmed or uncomfortable without knowing exactly what we're available for. When that happens, I like to consider two things: the resources I have available and the relationship I have with the person making the request.
Resources: Do I have energy for this? Do I have time for this? Do I have the skills for this?
Relationship: How close is this person to me? Does the request fit the level of closeness, trust, or responsibility we share?
Here are two examples of this from the past little bit in my life:
Three weeks ago, my dad called and asked for over-the-phone tech support. Without even really thinking, I ran through these questions and identified: I have the energy, but only 20 minutes; I have the skills to help; I’m more than happy to help my parents figure this out.
I communicated my time constraint and stuck to it – even though 20 minutes later, we hadn’t solved the problem yet. (They solved it themselves not long after!)
On the other hand…
Two months ago, a co-worker I almost never talk to asked to meet with me.
He had been struggling to connect with a community partner, someone I had a great relationship with. His reason for wanting to meet? To use my good relationship with the person to make his relationship with them better. It felt so gross.
So going into this meeting, I identified some clear boundaries for myself: I only had the energy or time to spend 30 minutes on this; I was only going to ask questions; and, given my lack of existing relationship or common objectives with this co-worker, I was absolutely not going to allow for the trust and relationship I’d built with our community partner to be compromised.
Having these boundaries identified – even though I only communicated some of it to him – helped me stick to my gut and my values during our meeting.
That’s what identifying our boundaries helps us do: stick to our values and sense of integrity, and practice becoming the person we want to be – even when someone else wants us to do something different.
This week, I invite you to set some boundaries using this two-part filter: Resources and Relationship.
You don't have to start with the biggest or most uncomfortable boundary in your life. Try using the filter the next time someone asks something of you. Notice what you have available, consider the relationship, and give yourself permission to respond accordingly.
Whether it’s setting a boundary with a co-worker asking for something, a family member wanting to talk politics over the dinner table, or something else entirely, I’d love to hear how it goes.
📬 Share this with your people:
