How to Talk to Family Members You Deeply Disagree With
If you've ever wondered how to talk to a family member whose political beliefs frustrate or anger you, you're obviously not the only one.
Many people assume the goal is to change the other person's mind – we try to debate them, fix their thinking, or even save them from what we see as faulty ideas or misunderstood experiences. But, if we’re reflective and honest with ourselves, that approach nearly always backfires.
The Hidden Problem With Wanting to "Fix" Someone
I’ve shared a couple times the struggle I have navigating my MAGA family member. I’ll sit in his living room and listen as he says all kinds of problematic and infuriating things. And as I do, I’ll feel my entire body constrict: my muscles will tense up and my brain will go into overdrive coming up with a response. Most of the time, if I can actually get words out of my mouth, my response ends up feeling woefully inadequate and ineffective.
In these moments, I absolutely have a part of me that wants to change him. Immediately.
But I’ve recognized that if I approach him from this desire, I feel really, really gross. Like I believe I’m better than him, smarter than him, more “enlightened” than him. That I know best.
“Why won’t he just see this better way?!”
(Side note: I’m afraid this is often the approach we on the political left opt to take with our conservative family members or people in our orbit, leading to pretty justifiable accusations of elitism and paternalism.)
More and more, I think trying to change people in this way is manipulative, dehumanizing, and undermines the values many of us want to embody in our communities.
What Therapists Understand About Change
So what do we do with the folks in our lives, like my family member, who cause harm with their words and beliefs? People we really want to experience some kind of change?
The famed psychotherapist Irvin Yalom says that to be effective, we must “build a relationship together that will itself become the agent of change.” He was speaking in the context of a therapeutic relationship, but I think this nugget of wisdom is true in all relationships.
It’s the relationship that becomes the agent of change, not us and our desires.
We can learn a lot about changework from the world of therapy.
A good therapist doesn’t show up to a session demanding change in their patient or trying to forcefully debate them toward progress. They don’t come in with their desires for their patient weaponized into sleek talking points and prepared comebacks.
Instead, they show up with questions, curiosity, and a willingness to offer clear, targeted pushback – always within a growing and relationship of consent and trust.
And this rhythm, over time, is what becomes the catalyst for a breakthrough.
(Hugely important: I absolutely do not mean to say we should approach our family members as if we are their therapists or as if they are our patients; that would put us right back on the path of paternalism. And if a person we know is actively causing harm, offering targeted feedback definitely jumps to the top of the list for me.)
Building Relationships That Can Hold Disagreement
I think the invitation here is this:
How can we show up to our relationships, not to change people, but to deepen the relational field of trust we hold between us?
To listen deeper?
To ask more questions?
To follow-up on their ideas?
To give gentle, but focused pushback?
Trusting that – just like within a therapeutic relationship – change doesn’t always come from a specific citation or a tailored argument we make.
It’s the result of a relationship that can contain difference and disagreement, without disregarding trust or connection.
4 Ways to Have Better Conversations With Family Members You Disagree With
Start with curiosity: “What do you mean when you say…?”
Ask follow-up questions: “Can you tell me more about why that’s important for you?”
Offer focused pushback instead of debate: “When you said this, I hear…Is that what you meant?”
Prioritize trust over winning: “I know we disagree, but I appreciate that we can keep talking.”
And remember: Relational change doesn’t happen overnight – as much as we might want it to.
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