Clean vs. Dirty Pain: Lessons from the Two Arrows Parable
You’re probably familiar with the Buddhist parable of the Two Arrows.
It goes something like this: when we experience harm or pain, two arrows fly toward us. The first arrow we experience is the pain of the event: the physical injury or the initial feeling of loss, change, or challenge. The second arrow is the suffering we experience from how we respond to the pain itself: the narratives, stories, and behaviors we weave together or embody in reaction to it.
As the parable states: the first is unavoidable; the second is (to some extent) chosen.
This past week, my daughter lost her two front teeth at once – and she was ecstatic. It was a celebratory moment, for sure! But rather quickly, she started hearing less-than-congratulatory messages from friends and family around her:
“Good thing picture day isn’t for awhile!”
“Ooh – bad time for that with the wedding coming up.”
The first arrow.
And now, at the young age of 7, she has to navigate not only those responses, but her response to those responses. Will she decide to start smiling with a closed mouth? Will she feel ashamed whenever a camera is present? Or will she say – in 7-year-old-language – screw that! and give a big smile nonetheless?
To the extent that she is able, she gets to choose how to navigate that second arrow.
Similarly, we also have to choose how we respond to the “first arrows” of our lives: both the personal and intimate and the political and expansive. ICE raids, Trump’s recent attacks on Iran, climate disaster, challenges to reproductive rights, rising authoritarianism – these are all “first arrows” that pierce our bodies and our communities.
So what options do we have when we face that second arrow?
In his book My Grandmother’s Hands, trauma specialist Resmaa Menakem details two paths forward, which he refers to as the act of experiencing dirty pain and clean pain.
The Second Arrow: Two Types of Pain
Dirty pain is the pain of avoidance, judgement, blame, and denial.
We experience dirty pain when we turn away from the reality of the first arrow, seek to bypass its impact on us, or to pin it on somebody else. In other words, we experience dirty pain when we never truly sit with and face how the first arrow has pierced us.
Dirty pain can look and feel like:
Ruminating about who’s to blame for the situation
Getting stuck in our stories of why this happened to us
Blowing our pain and frustration through our communities
Reading news apps compulsively to avoid the impact of the first arrow
Pouring ourself into work and activism rather without taking care of our bodies
Refusing to acknowledge the impact of the first arrow or minimizing its significance
On the other hand, clean pain occurs when we feel that first arrow and stay with it.
Instead of bypassing the hurt or casting it onto others, we opt for clean pain by naming the arrow, feeling its impact in our minds and bodies, and from that space, identifying how to move in a way that is aligned with our values and sense of self.
Menakem writes that clean pain “hurts like hell,” but “mends and can build [our] capacity for growth.”
Leaning into clean pain requires practice, commitment, a willingness to be vulnerable, and action.
Clean pain is vital for us – especially given our current political context – so we can remain present in the midst of crisis without burning out or checking out.
To that end, here are a couple ways we can practice leaning into clean pain:
Identify ways to soothe yourself. In the Gentle Change Collective, we use Menakem’s language of “primal reps.” These are practices and activities that help you stay grounded in the midst of challenge. A few examples: self-touch, deep breathing, tapping, singing, stretching, orienting, etc.
Notice and name. Become accustomed to noticing your emotions and thought patterns and naming them, whether to a journal, your phone’s notes app, or to someone else.
Engage community. When that first arrow hits and our defense systems activate, it can be extremely helpful (and sometimes life-saving) to have a friend or community of care that can hold you in the midst of it. Find your people and practice being open about your experiences.
Safely metabolize with movement. While facing that first arrow, it’s also vital to move with it. Go for a walk, engage with dancing, exercise, or stretching. Push and pull heavy things, to your capacity and ability. Movement like this releases endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, and others chemicals in our brain, supporting our ability to be resilient and grounded.
Safely metabolize with action. One of the results of metabolizing the impact of that first arrow is often a desire to take action for justice and healing. And paradoxically, one of the best ways to metabolize the impacts of that first arrow is to take action for justice and healing. It’s not a first-we-metabolize-then-we-act situation; taking action is one of the ways we invite healing within ourselves and our communities.
