12 Better Questions to Ask Kids After School (Instead of “How Was Your Day?”)

My six and eight-year-olds go back to school today and, as an educator for the past ten years, it's got me reflecting on how I engage with them both as students of the public school system and as my children.

Toward the end of last year, I found myself falling into the default rhythm of asking them how their days were.

How was your day?
*Crickets*

And when there was a response, it would always be pretty vague — especially from my eight-year-old. Partially because she’s eight and memory all garbles together over the course a day – but also because it’s a terrible question.

It begs to be answered with a label inadequate to contain the complexities of the day.

It was good…bad…wonderful…sad…I can’t really remember.

This is true no matter how old we are: the “how was your day” question isn’t equipped to elicit the details and curiosities and astonishments that actually make up our days.

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Which means, when we ask this question of our kids, grandkids, partners, and friends, we’re asking them to polish off most of the unique particularities of their days to fit into the time we have to offer them. And as I’ve learned from my daughter, when I ask this question, the answers most readily available are the shallow answers of good, bad, wonderful, sad, or …I can’t really remember.

So as they go back to school this week, I’m setting a commitment to myself and to them:

I’m committing to asking more questions that honor the complexity and totality of her their life experiences — questions that invite them to reflect and bring to the foreground the details of their days as they want to share them.

In our work to shape change in the world, we can always learn to ask and embody better questions.

Whether you're a parent, teacher, mentor, counselor, or simply someone trying to stay connected to the people you love, better questions often lead to deeper conversations.

Here are the questions I’m going to ask my kids after school this year:

1. What did you create today?

2. What problem was created today?

3. Who challenged you today and how?

4. How did you play and have fun today?

5. When did you feel loved or appreciated?

6. When did you feel defensive or hesitant?

7. Who did you not spend enough time with?

8. How did you pivot or show flexibility today?

9. What problems did you give your attention to?

10. What did you learn today that you didn’t know yesterday?

11. What’s an example of something you did today you’re proud of?

12. What’s an example of something you did today you want to do different tomorrow?

Of course, you don't need to ask all twelve.

Pick one or two. (My favorites are #3, #5, #7, and #11.) Ask them consistently. See what happens.

Often the goal isn't getting “better” answers from kids. It's creating the conditions where they feel seen enough to share them.

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