12 Better Questions to Ask Kids After School (Instead of “How Was Your Day?”)

My seven-year-old goes back to school today and, as an educator for the past ten years, it's got me reflecting on how I engage with her both as a student of the public school system and as my child.

Toward the end of last year, I found myself falling into the default rhythm of asking her how her day was.

How was your day?
*Crickets*

And when she finally did respond, it would always be pretty vague — partially because she’s seven years old and memory all garbles together over the course a day – but also because it’s a terrible question.

It begs to be answered with a label inadequate to contain the complexities of the day.

It was good…bad…wonderful…sad…I can’t really remember.

This is true no matter how old we are: the “how was your day” question isn’t equipped to elicit the details and curiosities and astonishments that actually make up our days.

Which means, when we ask this question of our kids, our partners, our friends, we’re asking them to polish off most of the unique particularities of their days to fit into the time we have to offer them. And as I’ve learned from my daughter, when I ask this question, the answers most readily available are the shallow answers of good, bad, wonderful, sad, or …I can’t really remember.

So as she goes back to school today, I’m setting a commitment to myself and to her — although she doesn’t know it yet.

I’m committing to asking more questions that honor the complexity and totality of her life experience — questions that invite her to reflect and bring to the foreground the details of her days as she wants to share them.

In our work to make change in the world, we can always learn to ask and embody better questions.

Here are the ones coming to mind for me:

1. What did you create today?

2. What problem was created today?

3. Who challenged you today and how?

4. How did you play and have fun today?

5. When did you feel loved or appreciated?

6. When did you feel defensive or hesitant?

7. Who did you not spend enough time with?

8. How did you pivot or show flexibility today?

9. What problems did you give your attention to?

10. What did you learn today that you didn’t know yesterday?

11. What’s an example of something you did today you’re proud of?

12. What’s an example of something you did today you want to do different tomorrow?