What Is Your Money Story? Understanding Your Relationship With Money
Each of us has a money story.
It’s the set of narratives, beliefs and feelings we’ve developed throughout our life about money and how we relate to it.
You might also think of this as your relationship with money: the assumptions, emotions, and habits you carry about earning, spending, saving, giving, and receiving.
And while it can be uncomfortable to talk about (or even think about) money for many of us, it’s really important we know what our money story is.
Because living in a money-centric culture, it shows up everywhere – from our buying decisions to our personal values to our relationships with others. And this is especially true for people whose work involves caring for others. Teachers, nurses, therapists, nonprofit workers, social workers, and other helpers often receive complicated messages about money: that their work is valuable because they care, but that caring and financial stability somehow shouldn't go together.
Just this past week, my partner noticed it in me and said – and I quote: “You have a thing with money. You know that right?” 😂
Yes. Yes I do.
Below is a bit of my money story. (And as you read it, what parts of your own come up for you?)
Growing up, I watched my dad give money away left and right to people who needed it. And at the same time, I watched my mom work to ensure their long-term financial security. This duality (which, in reality was more coordinated than I realized at the time) taught me to hold both a sense of financial abundance and a desire for long-term security.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that when money feels more available, I tend to give it away and spend it with ease (and some impulsivity.) But when money feels tight, I grow incredibly anxious – not about running out, but about failing to steward my resources well enough.
Now in my 30s, I’ve realized my ability to be “financially stable” has become connected to my sense of goodness – but that sense of goodness is also connected to sharing what I have to help strengthen my communities.
In other words, I feel a conflict with money: part of me wants to hold onto it to maintain my family’s stability and security, while another part wants to send it outward to help build a more caring world.
It’s important to note we don’t choose our first money story. It’s given to us by our families, our communities, our contexts, and then developed throughout our lives.
This part of mine has been shaped by:
Watching my parents relate to money, including the values they explicitly and implicitly taught me.
My decade of work in the education field, where teachers are largely expected to “work for love, not money.” (If you work in a caring profession, you’ve probably felt or heard your own version of this tension: that showing care and receiving money shouldn’t go together.)
My own life privileges: growing up white, middle class, attending a private university, and having enough stability to take career risks that many people simply cannot afford to take.
How Your Money Story Shapes the Way You Care
Here’s why I bring this up today:
Our money stories often impact the ways we show care and engage in shaping change.
Someone may have more than enough to thrive, but because they have a money story rooted in scarcity or fear, they might stop short of doing or giving what they otherwise would like to do.
Or for those who see themselves as “givers,” money might be treated as another avenue for sacrifice, even to the point of impacting their own financial stability and health. Much like the tree in The Giving Tree, they give and give until they have little left for their own well-being.
I’ve had activist friends who push back against money, wealth, and inequality, but also dream of setting up retirement and college funds for their kids. They speak of feeling an inner conflict: the political and social values they have against their personal desires for stability, security, and abundance.
Our money stories are almost always complex and filled with nuance.
Rather than judging them as good or bad, right or wrong, the first step is simply to become more and more aware of them: of how they impact our decisions; of how they show up as tension in our muscles or as anxiety in our minds; of how they appear in our relationships and in the midst of conflict.
Understand Your Money Story
To that end, here are some questions to help you build more awareness around your money story. These money reflection questions are not about creating a perfect budget or finding the "right" way to use money. They are about understanding the beliefs and emotions that influence who you are and how you show up.
What have you learned about money from your parents, professions, and various communities throughout your life?
When you think about money, what feelings arise for you? (Shame, anxiety, excitement, etc.)
What do you believe about the “purpose” of money? And how does this align, or not, with how you use it?
What beliefs do you have about people who have an abundance of money? What about those who have very little?
Where does your relationship with money feel aligned with your values? Where does it feel out of alignment?
How does your relationship with money impact your ability to care for yourself and others?
You don’t need to journal with these (although that might be helpful!)
Read them and move with them throughout this week and month. Notice where your money story pops up in your life. How does your money story feel inside you?
Draft a New Story (Or Make Some Revisions)
If there are aspects of your money story you’d like to change, it can be helpful to – similar to what I did above with my default money story – draft a new story.
Open the Notes app on your phone and jot down a 3-4 sentence “emergent money story:” the set of narratives, beliefs, and feelings you want to live into.
This will be the basis of the next step:
Run an Experiment
Changing your relationship with money usually happens through small experiments, not overnight transformation.
Based on the evolving clarity you have around your money story, choose to engage in experiences that contradict your initial story, where it makes sense.
If you tend to hold your money tight (but you have enough to thrive), try giving a little away.
If you give your money (or time, for that matter) away to others, try spending a little on yourself: that sweatshirt you’ve needed to replace or invest in a massage for your body and mental health.
And remember: this is an experiment. Instead of ignoring your money story or trying to replace it all at once with one you deem “better,” this is an invitation to tinker: to try a few new experiences that offer you another option for relating to money.
📬 Share this with your people:
