Being a Good Ancestor: Navigating Liminal, Loving, and Lethal Stories
What are you doing to be a good ancestor?
I stumbled upon this question a few weeks ago as I was doing my morning reading. It caused me to pause, not just because of its call to introspection, but because it reminded me of the vast expansiveness of our world. It was a gentle-yet-piercing reminder that the actions we take today have the power to impact generations to come.
This question is an invitation to consider the ways in which each of us is living the future into being.
In her recent book, Everything is a Story, Kaitlin Curtice shares that there are three categories of stories:
Liminal
Loving
Lethal
Liminal stories are the ones we carry that we are still trying to make sense of. Why do I have a tendency to overreact? Who was I before what was done to me? What kind of person am I becoming? How will I show up in the world?
When we’re unsure of whether or not to stay in our current job, or whether or not to have kids, or what our role in our communities is now that we’re retired – these are all liminal stories.
Loving stories are the ones we embody when we show up for others or support our local mutual aid network; when we care for our bodies and minds with a deep gentleness; when we express ourselves through art and music and creativity. These are stories of unexpected gifts, of abundance, of unconditional love.
And there are lethal stories: the narratives that lead to and justify war and destruction, hatred and bullying, oppression and supremacy. Lethal stories create caricatures of people “not like us” to construct the conditions for fracture and violence.
When we look across our country, it’s not hard to see lethal stories at work: the support and activation of ICE; the giving in of academic institutions to Trump’s agenda; members of the military and police “just doing their jobs.”
As Kaitlin writes, “everything is a story.”
And so, returning to the initial question: What are you doing to be a good ancestor?
Whether you have kids or not, each of us is still an ancestor to somebody – to future communities, to movements, to the people we mentor or inspire without realizing it.
In the midst of this moment, with the brutalizing overwhelm of long workdays, expensive everything, and the creeping seep of fascism through our institutions and relationships, here’s a response I'm moving with:
I am being intentional to embody stories that have the power to embolden my descendants forward.
This means being open and visible for my kiddos to see me questioning my liminal stories, to see me attending therapy and whiteboarding out my wonderings and wanderings. This means leaning into a practice of abundance – of sharing resources, of inviting friends over (without the house being fully cleaned!), of sharing a worldview centered on inherent dignity, rather than depravity or danger. And this means learning to more clearly and actively counter lethal stories that teach us to reject others, to see animals and the earth as separate from us, and to accept violence in its many forms.
And in the ways I practice all of this – however imperfect and inconsistent – I hope I am modeling for my kids and others around me one way to be good ancestors themselves.
As you sit with this question for yourself and consider how you relate to these different stories, I want to leave you with a little saying I remind myself with all the time: You don’t have to be perfect to be good.
We are all ancestors and we are all in a process of becoming.
